Sunday, 13 May 2012

In Which The Gateshead Mutant Spider Puts In An Appearance

So, following my recent move to my new flat, I decided that a civilised gathering of a few friends was in order. Stop laughing, it’s not a typo, I really did mean civilised, not “completely drunken and debauched”.

Two of my bestest friends came round. There was nibbles, cupcakes (to be discussed in a future post), lovely lemon shortbread (made by my friend Joanne), and most importantly, Pom-Bear crisps. I am telling you, if anyone knows how to do civilised entertaining, it is I.

As my outdoor space is still a novelty, I had thrown the doors wide to invite in the invigorating outdoor air into my homely little apartment during the day. Mmmm, fresh air, with only a small hint of gas scent from the nearby gasworks.

So, after a lengthy conversation about tactics for surviving zombie attacks, it got a bit chilly, so i thought i’d better close the patio doors.

What followed was a large amount of panic when said doors appeared obstinately opposed to the idea of locking. After about an hour of huffing, puffing, as much brute force as we could muster, and a panicked text to the landlord, we decided to have a rest.

My friend Adriana was sat on a pouffe (yes darlings, I do have a pouffe) which was pushed up against a wall. As we sat merrily sipping our tea, all of a sudden she jumped and declared “something just brushed against my back!” Well now, when it comes to ghosties and other paranormal sorts of things, I am a total wimp, so I was all “Don’t even TRY to suggest that there are ghosties in here”.

Moments later, I happened to glance down to see a sight resembling something like this:

Artists Impression of the Gateshead Mutant Spider.  Not actual size. The spider was MUCH bigger than this.
Allow me to introduce you to the Gateshead Mutant Spider. Forged in the local gasworks, this spider grew to be enormous, with a special superspider ability to prevent the locking of patio doors to gain entry into people’s new flats. Clearly, this was what brushed past Adriana’s back. Honestly, I would rather have had ghosties. What followed went thus:

-I totally freeze
-Joanne takes action to cover the Spider with a wine glass (a Jamie Oliver one no less!)
- The reality of the terrifying mutant then registers with Joanne, who quickly retreats to the safety of the kitchen bench.
-We proceed to watch the spider crawling about within its glass enclosure, then decide to cover it all with a tea towel so it can’t see us whilst we plan our next move (?!)
-We then worry that the spider is so big it’s going to be able to knock over the wine glass and attack us all by sucking our brains out of our jugular arteries, or something similar.
-Adriana takes control, and armed only with a Ritz cracker box, manages to manoeuvre the spider into a trap.
-under my watchful eye, Adriana is then made to take Gateshead Mutant Spider as far down the street as possible, before ensuring that she runs like a bat out of hell back into my flat before the evil creature can scuttle back in before her.

Needless to say, Joanne had nightmares about having to try and lock my patio doors in the event of a zombie invasion, whilst i lay wide awake in my bedroom, imagining the spider tapping on my window and trying to break the glass. Since then, Gatehead Mutant Spider hasn’t put in another indoor appearance, but i am constantly looking over my shoulder, just in case.

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